Adapted from Episode 7 of The Caregiven Podcast
It’s completely normal for us to have high expectations when it comes to our family’s care. It’s a part of who we are. But often times, these expectations can get in the way of reaching the level of care the senior needs.
This week, we wanted to take a chance to discuss expectations and the importance of committing to being flexible with the expectations we set for ourselves and our loved ones. Discussing what we expect and what we can accept as a family are very important conversations for families to have, since everyone will need to be on the same page for the care plan to be deemed successful from everyone’s perspectives.
High expectations
You might be asking yourself, “what’s so bad about high expectations? I only want the very best for my loved one, and we won’t stop searching for the very best caregiver.”
While we certainly encourage thoroughly vetting home care agencies and caregivers, the biggest issue with high expectations is that, no matter the outcome, they often lead to disappointment. As our loved ones age, their health is rarely linear; like all humans, they have ups and downs, and as one of the more vulnerable populations, no positive outcome can be guaranteed 100% of the time. The needs of the people we care for might evolve day-to-day, and that’s okay, but in application, this might not always fit the picture we have in our head.
flexibility
The best way to avoid disappointment is committing to flexibility. While we aren’t saying you shouldn’t put your loved one in the best position to thrive with a successful care plan, sometimes we need to be okay with the fact that the goals within that plan won’t always be achieved.
A great example is someone who always woke up at 5:30am, read the paper, drank coffee, and went to work. Maybe as they age, they begin waking up later and later. You might see your loved one sleeping until noon one day because they are so tired from the previous night of not much sleep. It might seem like this is enabling them to be “lazy”, but perhaps, it’s what is best for them. Yes, this might have been something they would have been adamantly against 20 years ago, but the reality of the situation has evolved, and so must our expectations.
let’s adjust
Many cases even require us to adjust (not lower) our expectations to what the person can meet. Maybe your loved one was very active and enjoyed exercise in their younger years. As they aged, finding joy in constantly moving became more difficult. Instead of expecting your loved one to continue thriving on moderate daily exercise, it would be wise to adjust your expectation to being happy with seeing them exercise a few times per week. Not only is it more realistic for what their body can handle, but it will also help them feel more accomplished and feel supported in setting and meeting this goal.
application
What this comes down to is two things: self-awareness and communication.
We have to be able to look ourselves in the mirror and ask, “Is this expectation worth maintaining, or should we adjust our goals?” and “Who is this really benefitting, and how does it truly affect me?”
From there, you must maintain regular communication with everyone involved. This journey is filled with moments of progress and regression, thus it is imperative that our expectations flex and flow along with it. Staying in communication with caregivers and your family will allow these moments to be filled with grace and understanding, rather than anger and resentment.