February 15, 2020
Written by Bonnie Upton
AFTER HE’S DIAGNOSed…
Keep a journal—its good for you!
Tell your friends, neighbors, and relatives so they understand the change in his behavior. They will be SUCH a help later and it’s just good not to “go it alone.” I will be using “his” all the time in this paper since I was dealing with my husband.
Don’t EXPECT anything. You won’t be disappointed if he doesn’t do something he should nor will you worry about things that may never happen.
Get informed. Read resources on the internet. Contact Home Health for information. Ask questions of his doctor and nurses. Buy the 36 HOUR DAY book. It’s a good reference for you when things occur you don’t know how to handle. Call the Alzheimer Assn., 1-800-272-3900 and ask for info. Have your doctor refer you to TRIAD (you’ll get regular mailings from them with helpful info). The Agency on Aging in Kalispell has good helps as well.
If he is a veteran, get him signed up so you can get medications for practically nothing. Ask the Veteran’s Clinic or the Veteran’s Home in Col. Falls what to do.
Remember—none of his actions toward you are purposeful or planned or meant to antagonize. He can’t help it.
Laugh often—there will be lots of things that will be funny… go ahead and laugh (like when he puts the mail in the freezer, your heels in the shop, etc.).
Make extra sets of keys so you don’t have to hunt frantically for them when he has mislaid them again. We had to break into our shop two different times before I wised up and made 3 extra keys.
Use thanks and praise when he helps or accomplishes something.
Accompany him to places he normally goes, like bowling, so he can continue the activity as long as possible.
Continue YOUR activities. Take him along. My husband used to sit by me while I directed the choir. The choir members were awesome with him. It allowed them to BE a blessing and RECEIVE a blessing in return.
Never mind trying to get an answer out of him by asking where he put something. That’s frustrating for him AND you. Just look for it. After a while, you will see a pattern of where he usually puts things… on his pillow, in the back of the truck, outside on the table, or such.
If he puts things in strange places, don’t talk about it. Just move it.
Accept help! And ask for it when needed.
Learn to adopt the “whatever” attitude about things that really aren’t important in the whole scheme of things:
If he’s vacuuming or mowing the lawn without starting the mower, let him… that’s a “whatever.” If he turns down the covers on the bed as soon as you make it (does it really matter if the bed isn’t made?), “whatever.” If he goes to bed with his socks on; if he gives away the cookies you just baked; if he likes to sit in the truck instead of being in the house with you (just be sure you have the keys); if he falls asleep at the table when you are having coffee with the neighbors, “whatever.” A “whatever” I had to accept was when he kept letting the dog in the chicken pen, I finally just gave the chickens away.
If you don’t want him to wear three shirts at once, hand him the appropriate piece of clothing as he dresses.
Change to an electric razor if he normally uses blades.
Put away items that could harm him. Don’t leave appliances out where he is apt to plug them in like the deep fryer or iron.
Only leave a small amount of money and no credit cards in his billfold.
Get financial affairs in order!! Put accounts in your name. Have an attorney help you do what you need to protect your property in case of lawsuits, for instance. There needs to be a power of attorney for finance AND health, and a Living Will. If you are not familiar with the finances, IRAS, investments, insurances, paying bills (and to whom), NOW IS THE TIME.
Take over driving as soon as possible and save stress.
Buy a lawn mower that will be easy for YOU to start if you plan on doing it yourself.
Contract a caregiver when you can no longer leave him alone so you can get out to do your errands. Ask around—your church friends or others may know someone.
If he picks up things in the store and you don’t see it until you get home—return it on your next trip and explain and pay for it. A good witness of honesty.
Don’t start projects you KNOW he will disturb. It only causes stress for you. Do them when he is asleep.
Get an ID bracelet or necklace for him to wear in case you lose him sometime. It has a Safe Return Number on it. You register the necessary info and if someone finds him, they call the number and Safe Return relays the info needed. 1-888-572-8566.
Use nightlights in the rooms he frequents at night.
Lock the doors. You may need to install new locks or a beeper that goes off if the door is opened.
Try attending a support group.
Let him do what he CAN, but don’t make it a necessity. Do it for him if it saves YOU stress.
Keep up your visits with friends, trips to the store, etc. People are very understanding. Most have a relationships with someone who has it. Many stores have wheelchairs to use (when that becomes necessary).
Cancel those expensive magazines and books he no longer reads. Give him an old one. He won’t know the difference.
Rather than give yourself a backache reaching in to wash him in the shower, shower WITH him. Then you know where he is when you are showering as well.
When toileting becomes a problem, a raised toilet seat helps. Grab bars in the shower are a good idea too.
Put a waterproof mattress pad on the bed BEFORE the accidents start.
Don’t wait until you are at the end of your rope before you use Depends when he is having accidents regularly. Start with the guards and use bigger ones as it becomes necessary. Some of the cheaper brands are not as absorbent and are stiff and uncomfortable to wear.
Buy clothes that are easy to put on—shoes especially.
When it becomes difficult to do something like ride in a boat or go for that walk to the mailbox, give it up.
When the communion cup became too small for him to handle, I brought a juice glass for Pastor to give him instead. When he could no longer swallow the bread or wine, Pastor came to our pew and prayed with us… a very special blessing!
Carry an extra hanky everywhere! AND a change of clothes and Depends.
Lock his door in the car so he can’t open it when you are driving.
Play music often or read to him if he likes that.
Sign up for Comfort One.
If he can’t straighten his fingers to get into gloves, use mittens.
When he begins to have trouble walking, put a gait belt on him to use.
If he has trouble swallowing and chokes on his food often, try softer foods (no raw veggies) and thicker liquids like tomato juice; add apple sauce to his juice; make milkshakes using Ensure blended with ice and ice cream. Use straws for drinking. Later you may have to use Thick-It.
Get a “Handicapped” permit. Contact the Motor Vehicle Dept. You will need a form to be signed by his doctor.
Sign up at a local nursing home or dementia facility. The waiting lists can be long. IF you need it, you would want that taken care of. If you DON’T ever need it… PRAISE THE LORD.
Make a scrapbook of his life. He’ll enjoy looking at it and it will be good for transition to a nursing home. The nurses need to know what he was like BEFORE ALZHEIMER’S.
If he falls or crawls out of bed, tuck the sheets in really tight after he is in bed.
Stop at the funeral home. There ARE differences. Get your own affairs in order as well. Make plans before you need them. It is much easier than later. Write the obituary ahead of time, select music, special Bible verses that you will want on the memorial folder. Write things down now. It’s much easier to think and remember now.
BE THANKFUL for every good thing and think on these things.
Do what you can to help someone else and YOU will be helped in the process.
Learn independence. YOU are in charge now.
FOREMOST: TAKE EVERYTHING TO THE LORD IN PRAYER! Lean on Him. He will give you what you need when you need it. He’ll be your ROCK. Share your prayer needs with your church friends.
When he is bedridden at the last, play his kind of music softly. Hold his hand. Stay by his side. Pray with him. Sing to him. Use wet swabs to soothe his dry mouth.
WHEN HE PASSEs…
Call the funeral home and give the time of death. They will contact your doctor for confirmation and set up a time for you to meet and discuss arrangements. This is when it helps if you have made those decisions ahead of time.
Call your pastor, your relatives, and close friends. Decide on the best time to have a service. Put the obituary in the local and former hometown of the family.
When you leave your house to go anywhere those next days before the funeral, leave your door open or have someone stay there so friends can leave food and florists can deliver flowers. Have a notebook handy and write down what people bring when they come so you can send thank-you’s later. Put stickers on their dishes for returning.
Use a memorial book (available at your funeral home) to list food brought by whom, flowers from whom, gifts of money or memorials, special notes or cards, and pictures of flowers and the church (besides names of the guests who attend the funeral).
Arrange for out of town guest’s lodging. Friends have 5th-wheels? Park them in your yard. Borrow a car for your fly-in guests. Arrange for picking people up at the depot or airport.
Borrow lawn chairs if you are having guests to the house afterwards.
Plan an arrangement of pictures and treasures to display at the service. A big basket to hold cards is nice.
THINK OF ALL OF THE BLESSINGS YOU ARE RECEIVING AS EACH STAGE IS REACHED IN THIS JOURNEY—INCLUDING THE END—AND BE THANKFUL EVEN WHILE YOU GRIEVE.